everything I’ve ever left has claw marks on it and other gut-wrenching sentiments

I’ve been deeply in my feelings lately. This is not good for business.

Recently I came across a quote by David Foster-Wallace that has embedded itself into my brain. “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks in it.” While I don’t have claws (as far as I know) and I don’t understand much of the context around the original book quote which comes from Infinite Jest, I deeply relate to the feeling of grabbing onto the things I need to let go of especially in the moments before I leave them. And to be honest, this is not a new emotion for me. I have become fond of certain things in my life and I love them deeply and when life takes me on a new path I embrace that change, but I also cling with all of my soul to the part of myself that will latch itself to the place or people or energy that I am leaving behind.

This is especially poignant in the context of my life in the past few days and weeks, as I am preparing for a move back across the country to my hometown. This is a necessary change, and yet I find myself plagued with horror at the thought of relinquishing the community and comfort I’ve built for myself here in Florida. And this quote about the claw marks really has kept resurfacing as I reflect on my own experiences leaving in the past. When I graduated high school and left the only place I’d ever known, I locked in those memories with a rose-colored filter and somehow forgot the very ugly things that happened within those four brick walls. I only allowed myself to remember the good times and I wished with all my heart that I could go back. Because it was safe. It was comforting to know that everyone in that town had seen my history and knew who I was. But they only knew what I showed the world; it wasn't an accurate picture of the girl I once was.

I felt a similar way when I left college to embark on the Disney College Program for the first time. Though I knew it was something I wanted to do desperately, it still took me by surprise how much my brain clung to the idea that I was walking away from something that mattered deeply. I left my dorm in New Paltz in 2019 not knowing that it would be the last time I stepped foot on campus until graduation day two years later. I created bonds with the people I met on The New Paltz Oracle staff and the girls who lived in my dorm suite, only to slowly watch those friendships fall apart as life went on and long-distance became far too difficult.

And so the cycle continued, even after COVID and the Disney College Program. Every time I left a place I would leave behind a litany of half-baked friendships and conversations that should have happened but never did and memories that feel so powerful to me but are likely not even footnotes in anyone else’s mind.

Everything I’ve ever left has my claw marks in it. I know the leaving must be done, and yet it doesn’t stop me from clinging to the safety of what came before. I can not let go of the past easily, and yet I’m trying to control a future that I can’t predict.

In the context of Infinite Jest, this quote is said in a time where the main character is dealing with their addiction. Some people say it is an antithetical statement to “let go and let God,” which is said often to comfort those who feel like they are spiraling out of control for one reason or another.

Unfortunately, I can not let go of these things that have meant so much to me, even if I know that control of the situation is ultimately not mine. And so I have been pondering how that quote relates to my life at the moment, and why I grip so tightly to the things that have made me happy for so long right before I give them up.

The minute I said that I was leaving Florida I wanted to throw up and take that decision back. But I also know that I will not grow if I become complacent in my life. And so that has been the one thing weighing heavy on my mind since I have taken this new opportunity; the value of the life that I am leaving behind. I do not take these years lightly. I have become someone I am proud of, and who I hope my family and friends are proud of to. These years working in guest service have been grueling, but it has built such a foundation for who I am as a person and what I value. It has also shown me again the importance of friendship and community (Something I’ve genuinely felt lacking in most of my life due to circumstances outside my control.)

But I don’t write all this coming from a place of depression or sadness or even complacency. I am so excited for this next chapter of my life and to be able to spend quality time with my family and strengthen my connections (even long-distance). And I have so much hope on the horizon for where my career will go. I simply write this to express the lack of control I feel at how quickly life changes. But that is the only constant, I suppose. Change is inevitable; it is how we react to change that we learn who we are and how we interact with the world. ( I don’t know what profound person said that but I know it’s not my quote.)

In this period of change, the one thing keeping me occupied has been media consumption and internet drama. So without further ado: my simple pleasures of the week.

The Great American Bar Scene: Zach Bryan. I love this album, it feels like somehow my childhood and coming-of-age at the same time. I know everyone is talking about it too, but the song 28 kills me.

The Bear. Specifically the first episode of season 3 because that right there is truly artistic. Working in a kitchen (albeit not a Michelin star restaurant) I could feel the anxiety and the passion but they barely even had one conversation the entire episode.

Also, kind of falling back into my musical theater moment and have been obsessed with deep cuts of Jessica Vosk recently. So here’s a clip. (I’ve never wanted to watch an actor more on Broadway)

I‘ve been kicking along on the Throne of Glass series as well, and am on Queen of Shadows. (SO. GOOD.) I think my favorite one so far has been Assassins Blade.

Again, thank you everyone for reading this far. My goal once I have officially moved is to start consistently posting every Sunday and Thursday.

xxxooo,

shy